I know that this will sound self-pitying; right now I really don't care. I think that we are all entitled to have some self-pity once and a while, just as long as we don't go too far with it. Anyway here goes my rant (by the way, this is just venting personal steam, it is not meant to be disparaging about anyone in particular, I don't necessarily believe what I've put here, I just feel this way and needed somewhere to put it).....
(if you are determined to read this you will have to be creative)......
Right now I feel so angry and agitated. I hate my life, I want to live a life of ease and yet no matter how hard I work, I never see to get a break--just when things seem to be going well, the carpet gets yanked from under me. I feel forced into a life that I didn't truly want . I'm so tired all the time and yet no amount of rest seems to ease this. I feel as though I am standing on a stack/pillar of Jenga blocks-just when I adjust to something or some change, the whole configuration changes, and sometimes no amount of adjusting can compensate and the whole thing topples no matter what. I feel constantly backed into a corner. If I make everyone else happy, I am cranky and run ragged, if I make myself happy or try to, then I'm neglecting everyone and being selfish, no amount of juggling seems to find a happy medium between the two. I feel confused and bewildered all the time. I have felt my entire life as though there is some "great destiny" for me- that I was meant to do something really out of the ordinary and special, and yet nothing about me is really truly unique. I feel like a poseur and that my friends/acquaintances just tolerate me and laugh at me behind my back. How do I stop feeling so insecure and unlovable? Why do I have friends or a husband? I'm just a loud mouth blow hard who likes the sound of my own voice and opinion, a self important snot who truly only cares about what I can get out of anyone or thing. I just want to be left alone to pursue my own hobbies and interests. I hate life. Supposedly I have great gifts and yet none have really surfaced. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with my gifts. What am I here for? I just feel like a giant emotional ping-pong. I feel like a pretender and a fake most of the time--what if that's what I really am?? I just don't have any real understanding of what I'm supposed to do with my life.
